Through tear-filled eyes, my husband asked, “Will you stand beside me on the altar when I deliver my Dad’s eulogy?”
“Of course,” I told him. “Whatever you need, I am here for you. We are in this together.”
I knew my husband was strong enough to deliver the eulogy on his own, but he wanted the reassurance of knowing I was there by his side should emotion overcome him. When his voice cracked, I squeezed his hand tighter and rubbed his back. As he fought to hold back tears, I whispered softly, “You can do it.” And he did.
My father-in-law was 100 years old when he died this past February, leaving behind his 96-year-old wife of 77 years. It amazes me that my husband and his siblings, all in their 60s and 70s, have had both of their parents living through most of their lives. “What a gift you have been given,” I would repeatedly tell my husband about the longevity of his parents, as my mom died when I was 11 and my Dad, in my 40s.
Making decisions with my husband about funeral plans, standing next to him at the wake, and holding his hand as he delivered the eulogy are precious moments that the Lord gave me to be present to my husband. He didn’t need me to say a lot of words. He just needed me to be there – to honor the silence he sought to process his emotions, to listen empathetically when he did speak, and to be patient when he was abrupt with me.
Supporting a spouse through difficult times is honoring the ‘for worse’ part of your wedding vows. Navigating a marital relationship isn’t always smooth, nor does it come with a fairy-tale ending. Facing challenges together is a part of the wedding vows. Spouses lose jobs, children get sick, parents die, bills come due, and unexpected storms wreak havoc.
On their wedding day, no couple looks down the road expecting the worst to arise. That unknowing of what lies ahead is a gift God gives them to step out in faith, trusting that the other and Jesus will always be on their side. Two becoming one is more than just a nice catchphrase you hear in a wedding homily. It’s a story of two people offering a total gift of self and saying, “I am here for you whenever and in whatever ways you need me.”
In my marriage preparation classes for the diocese, I share with engaged couples this quote from Pope Francis, a favorite of mine: “Instead of offering an opinion or advice, we need to be sure that we have heard everything the other person has to say. ... Often the other spouse does not need a solution to his or her problems, but simply to be heard, to feel that someone has acknowledged their pain, their disappointment, their fear, their anger, their hopes and their dreams.”
I tell couples that they are the person that God has hand-selected to be all those things and more for their spouse. Sometimes it’s not easy to do. It requires empathy, patience, compassionate listening, and a willingness to ask for and grant forgiveness. It means not taking it personally when your spouse needs to vent or take his or her frustration out on you because you realize you are the safest person with whom he or she can be their truest self.
Supporting a spouse through a difficult time will look different for every couple. For me, it’s holding my husband in his grief, kneeling with him in prayer at his father’s graveside, touching him gently when his voice cracks sharing a memory of Dad and —as Pope Francis so eloquently wrote— letting him know that someone has acknowledged his pain.
By Mary-Jo McLaughlin